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10 Greatest Heavy Metal Songs Of All Time

September 9, 2022

So this is actually the culmination of a very long and excellent discussion between myself and my cousin. He’s pretty awesome and a fellow Heavy Metal music aficionado. He’s partial to Ozzy. I’m more of an Iron Maiden purist. There’s enough overlap between our specific tastes that prevent an escalation of the differences along the margins. Without further ado, my Top 10 Best Heavy Metal Songs Of All Time (in ascending order):

Ozzy Osbourne, “Crazy Train“, Blizzard of Ozz, 1980
Simply one of the greatest songs of all time, metal or not. Inarguably the greatest opening of any song in history. Where does it belong? Everywhere. And nowhere. So here it is. Listen and love it. Enjoy these 9 marginally better songs,
Metallica, “Whiplash“, Kill ‘Em All, 1982
I wanted to kill them all too. While I may not have succeeded, Metallica had my back. And together, we definitely tried our damnedest.
Dio, “Holy Diver“, Holy Diver, 1983
My first concert. A hot metal chick several years older than me let me share her popcorn. The most metal thing I’ve ever done. Other than listening to Dio rock the fuck out of this song live.
Iron Maiden, “The Number of the Beast“, The Number of the Beast, 1982
I’m not much of a Satanist. I am definitely not a theist. Push come to shove, though? I’m taking Maiden’s suggestion and going all in on the dark side. All hail The Beast! That motherfucker and I are on the same page.
AC/DC, “Back in Black“, Back in Black, 1980
Don’t even make me explain this one to you. Just be glad the whole list isn’t exclusively AC/DC songs. You’re welcome.
Judas Priest, “Breaking the Law“, British Steel, 1980
Yeah, I broke the law. No, it wasn’t Rob Halford’s fault. But he was my inspiration.
Black Sabbath, “War Pigs“, Black Sabbath, 1970
My introduction to the world of heavy metal. Blew my fucking mind, and I’m not overstating the fact. My life has never been the same since I first heard this song. So blame them.
Metallica, “Ride the Lightning“, Ride the Lightning, 1984
This shit was a drug for me. Metallica were scientists that distilled and quantified teenage male angst. I responded appropriately. The lightning was ridden, you sorry fucking pieces of shit *bangs head angrily*.
Iron Maiden, “The Trooper“, Piece of Mind, 1983
I cannot describe how this song changed my 13-year-old life. I knew Iron Maiden. But more importantly, Iron Maiden knew me. And together, we banged some fucking heads. Believe that.
Black Sabbath, “Iron Man“, Paranoid, 1970
Simply the most excellent prototypical heavy metal song in history. Did the comic book Iron Man predate this song, or the other way around? Who gives a shit. Let Tony Stark and Ozzy Osbourne combine forces and ruin motherfuckers. Ozzy will kill Tony as soon as he’s done with his pathetic ass.

Feeling Over The Weather Is Just As Bad As Feeling Under It

September 8, 2022

Sometimes I wish nature had more empathy. And I say this selfishly, not at human scale. Yes, when natural disasters strike and life and property are lost, nature isn’t really showing any chill. I’m talking about those times when your mood is diametrically opposed to what nature is doing with itself right outside your front door. It’s actually kind of helpful when the weather reflects your attitude. Shitty mood? Shitty weather. Awesome. Seriously, it’s comforting to think that your mental state is capable of influencing the world around you. It may not improve your mood, but it certainly doesn’t worsen it.

I imagine it’s possible to be in a good mood during really crappy weather, and I’m sure if I went back through my life, I’d be able to disprove this thesis with multiple examples of times when I cared not one whit for how well my emotions meshed with the natural world. So what? I didn’t need the world to respect my situation at those moments. But sometimes I like when it does. Staring out the window into the face of a howling rainstorm while you slip slowly into deepening sadness. That’s the stuff. Walking through a crisp fall wind while your melancholy washes over you. Ahhhh.

The reverse can also be true. Happiness can be augmented by streaming sunshine and perfect temperatures. It’s just that in those moments, it’s more of a cherry on top than an affirmation of how you feel. You’re not really in it together with nature in those moments. But when you stop and notice the world around you in sync with how you feel, it’s as though you’re both in it together. And that can feel very powerful even if deep down you know it’s mere coincidence and not a case of you exerting your will upon the environment.

Empathy can be a wonderful thing. Even when it’s only a figment of your imagination or a mere element of chance. Maybe even more so in those cases. Misery loves company, and when it’s the whole wide world, that’s all the company you need.

I Design, Therefore I Am (A Designer)

August 29, 2022

I’m pretty sure that I’m a designer. I have a couple of degrees in the field and more than a few job titles with the word “design” in them, so I take that to mean it’s something I am capable of. The funny thing is that many other people without any of those things that I have feel that they are more than capable of doing all that highfalutin design stuff. Designers are everywhere, it seems. I should have saved all that college money and bought myself something nice instead.

It’s not like designers are doctors or lawyers who have to pass tests and get fancy certificates to hang on their office walls, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are factually what they claim to be. The exception might be architects that do, in fact, design for a living and also require testing and certification to lay claim to their professional titles but having buildings that don’t collapse is a good enough reason for that. While not all other areas of design have such a consistently high bar to clear in terms of the preservation of human life, there are certainly situations where you don’t want an amateur—or at the very least, an amateur alone—to have sole designer responsibility.

In spite of what some may think, designers are knowledgeable and possess specific talents and skills that you don’t pick up through osmosis just because you use stuff that’s been designed. Just because you’ve flown on an airplane to visit your grandmother in Albequerque doesn’t mean you’re ready to pilot the aircraft. Yet, design isn’t given the same institutional respect. Anyone can design because all you’re dealing with are colors and forms and maybe some words, and who can’t do that?

It’s a shame, really, because a lot of the same people who bemoan so loudly all of the things they have to use that are so poorly designed are also the ones most vocal about their ability to design the better mousetrap. Ironically they lack the self-awareness that would lead them to realize those terrible designs may have just been created by someone who shares the same self-aggrandized opinion of their own untrained design skills.

I Love The Smell Of School Supplies In The Morning

August 26, 2022

My kids are older and no longer of school age (not counting college, which, while perhaps still qualifying as education, is more like a place where my money goes to die than an institution to teach my kids), so we no longer have to go through the yearly end-of-summer ritual; shopping for school supplies. I kind of miss it. When I was in school, it was one of my favorite things to do. I never really disliked school, but I certainly liked not going more than the alternative. However, when the reality of a looming first day of school came around, the one thing I did look forward to was going to the stationary store and loading up on pens, pads, markers, rulers, and all other manner of supplies. I’m kind of a pen and pencil nut, so I always spent most of my attention on ensuring that I had a suitable array of writing implements with which to jot, sketch, and doodle across the school year.

I would always be on the lookout for the latest developments in school supply technology. In my school days, well before the advent of the digital age, these innovative products were much more tactile. The erasable pen came out when I was somewhere in middle school, and while the claims of erasability were significantly overblown, I had many of them bouncing around my book bag at any given moment. Crayon boxes with a build in sharpener? Damn straight. I’ll take the 128-color version, please. Protractor? Forget that. Give me the whole damn drafting kit replete with multiple compasses, triangles with all the vital acute angles represented, and is that a mechanical pencil I see? Don’t mind if I do.

But my all-time favorite school supply. The one I had my mother take me to store after store ins search of. The thing I could not possibly have attended my first year of middle school without was the single most significant advancement in paper organization and binding science at the time: the Trapper Keeper. To think that prior to the Trapper Keeper, you would have to carry multiple folders separately from your loose leaf binder. No built-in pen compartment. It didn’t just hold your stuff; it secured it. And it wasn’t the boring old blue canvas three-ring binder you used to have. Oh no, the Trapper Keeper came in styles! It was indeed the best of times.

With no more kids to shop for school supplies with, the start of school just isn’t the same anymore. I wonder what a vintage neon 80s graphics Trapper Keeper goes for on eBay these days? Maybe I’ll just go and find out.

Quiet Quitting? How About You Loudly STFU.

August 23, 2022

In many ways, history is driven by the struggle between those who have vs. those who want. Or need, depending on the prism through which you interpret class struggle. Either way, many of the cultural changes that have led humanity to where it is today were the product of the masses looking for a bit more. Time. Safety. Money. More of something that was scarce for them and that they wanted in greater abundance. A broad generalization of the progress of humankind, but I’ll stand by it.

In addition, these incidents have often been driven by unexpected events outside anyone’s control. Most recently, the global Covid pandemic and subsequent shift in modalities among knowledge workers from office life to remote participation. Having the technology to allow this transition to happen literally overnight in many cases and with minimal if any loss of productivity gave many employees pause as they started to reconsider the need to continue the industrial revolution habit of 8-hour work days and 40-hour weeks that included unpaid commuting times on the top so they could show up in an uninspired office colocated with people, most of whom they never professionally interacted with anyway. After a year or so of no longer having to do all that, many workers, when faced with the prospect of returning to that life, to their great credit, thought to themselves: “fuck that.“

Naturally, the businesses that operated relatively seamlessly through the preceding period, where their workers were given much greater control over their existence, work/life balance, and sanity, were shocked. After all, hadn’t they spent all of this money on real estate, office furniture, and conference rooms to make these workers more productive and indeed happy? In turn, when faced with the prospect of eating all that capital investment, they also thought to themselves: “fuck that.“

One of the manifestations of this employer/employee tug of war is the insinuation that businesses are no longer getting the pound of flesh they pay their workers handsomely for. Rather than focusing on business outcomes (one of their favorite pre-pandemic rallying cries), they told tales of workers stealing from their benevolent employers. The theft was no longer Post-It notes and Sharpies from the supply closet; now, they were stealing time. It’s hard to ensure that you’re getting the 8-hour days and 40-hour weeks you pay so much for when you no longer have a physical panopticon within which to ensure you are getting value for money.

I don’t know how this growing, if not subtle conflict, will eventually play out, but I will say this: “workers of the world unite!” Even if we all do it from the comfort of our own homes.