I hate my family. Not really. I actually love them—a lot. But Jesus Christ, why the hell can’t they turn the light off when they leave the goddamned room? Is it a case of collective amnesia where they’ve all somehow forgotten that light switches exist or where they are located? Have they simply gone insane and are of the delusional belief that the lights themselves have attained consciousness and are capable of extinguishing themselves when humans leave the room? Or, and this is the one my money is on, they just don’t give a shit.
Now, before you get all “OK, boomer” on me, know that I couldn’t care less about the money the ceaseless burning of every light in my house day and night costs me. I’m not a miser, nor am I one to place my burden as breadwinner on the backs of my family. That’s my job. I pay for the lights, fine. No, my problem is much simpler. Order. I demand it, and I cannot seem to get even a modicum of it anywhere in my own home.
Turning off the lights is the simplest thing in the world. In almost every conceivable instance, the light switches are located directly next to the door that these people walk in and out of constantly without ever once flipping the fucking switch that’s sitting right there on the goddamned wall. You can’t miss it! With practice (granted that none of these ingrates have mustered), you can even achieve a simultaneous room exit and light switch flip-off without even breaking stride. It’s almost harder to leave the room without turning off the freaking light!
So here I am, walking around my house, turning off lights as if it’s my hobby because no one else has figured out how electrical fixtures operate in a modern home. I’ve tried yelling and threatening and even pleading, but none of it works. Still, high noon comes on a cloudless Summer Solstice with the sun happily illuminating every square inch of the earth better than a trillion incandescent bulbs ever could, and someone in my house has decided that every light in every room needs to be on just to help the sun out a little.
I’m resigned to my fate. To endlessly wander the corridors of my home turning off lights that other people have thoughtlessly left on. Until one day, in the hopefully not-too-distant future, when I am old and alone and can finally live under the glare of a single light in an otherwise completely dark house. A guy can dream, right?